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Finding a great partner involves two parts: being a good mate yourself and looking for someone who is as much like you as possible.

These two parts interact and affect each other. For example, the second part relates to the adage, “Birds of a feather flock together.” There's a lot of truth to this old saying.

But what about another old adage — that opposites attract? Yes, they do attract, but in the long run, they don’t fair very well. So we are looking for someone who is as much like us as possible. But, we first need to look at ourselves: if we are a great partner who is loving, kind, supportive, listening, taking good care of ourselves, being healthy, being happy, and so on, that is what we are going to attract. However, if we are dysfunctional and struggling, then that’s also what we’re going to attract. So yes, it is so important to find someone like us, but we also need to be like someone we want to find. Let’s look at these ideas more closely.

We need to be the kind of partner we want. We need to be in a place that’s healthy and to take care of ourselves. If we don’t do that, then we will attract someone who is unhealthy and isn’t taking care of himself or herself. Now this isn’t an absolute guarantee, but the way to avoid dysfunctional relationships is by being that healthy person because if we are we will not be attracted to dysfunction. We may date it, but we won’t date it for very long. It will quickly end. This could also apply to friendships and family. If we are healthy, we won’t put up with dysfunction. It just won’t be very attractive to us, and when it occurs, we will just set up boundaries. The boundaries could include not allowing others to continue to hurt us, ending some situations, and so on. In dating, we will quickly end dysfunctional situations because even if dysfunctional behavior isn’t initially directed at us, eventually it probably will be.

We each function within a metaphorical behavior bubble. Within each bubble there are very specific rules that we all follow. It indicates how we treat ourselves, as well as others. So, for example, if we are harsh on ourselves when we make mistakes, then we’re going to be harsh to others. We sometimes let people into our bubbles. We get married, and our spouse enters the bubble. We have children, and they enter our bubble. When others do, we start treating them the way we treat ourselves. Let’s say a couple is dating, and the man is very romantic. He gives his girlfriend flowers, writes her poetry, and says a lot of endearing things to her. They get married, and then everything changes. What happened is that it isn’t the love that lasted. He was treating her like he wanted to be treated. He didn’t want flowers, he didn’t want poetry, so he doesn't recite verses to her anymore. He still cared for her but in the same way that he cared for himself. So when we’re dating, we have to watch out for this.

How people treat themselves and other people indicates how they might treat us. How are they treating their friends, their family, and most important, how are they treating themselves? When they make a mistake, do they angrily punish themselves? What is their self-talk like? It may not be easy to pick up on that, but if we observe, if we take our time, the truth will unfurl, and we’ll begin to see how they treat themselves. Then we’ll begin to see how they interact with our world. When someone hurts them, do they get really angry or upset? When they go through a tragedy, how do they treat themselves? When we have an argument with them, how do we interact during that argument? This isn’t that hard to figure out; it just takes time. So let’s give ourselves time; that’s probably one of the most important things we can do. The longer we take to get to know someone before we decide to commit a life to this person, the better we feel.

When it comes to finding their “dream woman,” what men think they want and what will actually make them happy are two different things entirely. In this article, David D. reveals three critical steps every man must take to find happiness with a woman
 

No two ways about it: ask the average guy what he’s looking for in his “dream woman,” and — if he’s being brutally honest — he’ll put “physical beauty” at the top the list.

But here’s the thing…we all know deep down that extreme “physical beauty” is one quality that — at best — has nothing to do with the success of an exciting, fulfilling, long-term relationship. And, at worst, it often contributes to its failure. We don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out why! Sure, “hotness” works to get a man interested in a woman in the first place…even to keep him interested for a while. But the stats don’t lie: years down the road, relationships based on physical attraction do not stand the test of time.

What should a man look for when it comes to finding his “perfect match” for the long term — also known as his true “dream woman?” Here are three key steps to finding and keeping her:

STEP #1:  SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE

Look, for a man, escaping his narrow, hard-wired thinking about the qualities his ultimate “dream woman” should possess is his greatest obstacle to ever finding her. His success in meeting his dream woman — and keeping her for the long term — actually lies in seeing a much larger picture.  In more specific terms, every man should envision the kind of woman who can help him achieve (and share) his “dream” life…the life that he’s always imagined for himself. This means choosing a woman equipped with the qualities necessary to love and support him in achieving those dreams, no matter what they may be.

Which leads us directly to:

STEP #2: DEFINE WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE

This one’s as simple as it sounds…before you start living your dreams, first you need to know what they are. So get to work…as in right now…clarifying your personal “vision” of an exciting, happy, fulfilling life. Once you do, guess what? The qualities that your “dream woman” must possess to share and help you achieve those dreams will become immediately obvious. So go figure yourself out. Are you an outgoing world-traveler with dreams of sailing the world? Or an introverted screenwriter hell-bent to winning an Oscar for best screenplay?

Nail it down in no uncertain terms, because it ain’t rocket science — until you know yourself and what you want, there’s no way to find a woman who’ll love you in amazing, life-changing ways for who you are.

#3:  “MATCH UP” WITH YOUR DREAM WOMAN

It’s amazing how many guys kvetch and complain about cold, unsupportive, selfish women in their lives, right? And it’s all because these guys overlook the obvious when it comes to “matching up” with their true “dream woman” in the first place. In other words, if you’re that outgoing world-traveler with dreams of sailing the world, you must take action to match up with a woman with a genuine sense of spontaneity, a passion for nature, a fearless love of adventure…you name it.

If you’re that introverted writer looking for an Oscar one day, then arrange your life so that you cross paths with women who have a deep appreciation for thoughtful communication, an unwavering support through failure and an intelligent compassion.

Bottom line: When it comes to finding your “dream woman”, first you must honestly, unflinchingly envision the future you really want for yourself. Only then can you go after the tangible qualities in the kind of woman who can help you achieve that future. Otherwise, sure, a “hot” woman may rock your world for a date or two.  But long-term love is sure to fail…until you take steps to help the true woman of your dreams find you.

• Real talk: Dating is sometimes harder than it should be. After countless dinners and drinks, it can be tempting to throw in the towel and resign to nights of forever watching Netflix alone in your bed. But when dating is done right, it can be amazing, and those great dates often lead to great relationships. So consider this your dating playbook, with all the information you need to survive the first date and make sure there's a second one.

• GO BEYOND THE BAR SCENE Sure, you might meet the love of your life while sipping gin and tonics, but wouldn't it be so much cooler to say you met at a mud run? You never know where you're going to meet the next person you date, so if you're only looking in one spot (like that bar where you're a regular) then you're missing out on tons of possible partners. We know plenty of couples who have met while standing in line at the grocery store, a Target parking lot, even a naked reality show. The takeaway? Love can crop up anywhere, so get out there and keep your eyes open.

• LET YOUR FRIENDS SET YOU UP No one loves you quite like your friends do, so let them set you up with someone that they can vouch for. "It's better for single people to meet through friends because there's a familiarity and comfort that goes with that," says behavioral scientist Christie Hartman, Ph.D. "A friend setting you up means the guy is 'vetted' to some extent." So let them play matchmaker—but first, lay down some rules. Make it clear ahead of time that the way the date goes is totally not a reflection on your friend, or you, or the guy. Hey, sometimes chemistry is there, and sometimes it isn't. So unless your friend is Patti Stanger, remind her that it's no one’s fault if this goes horribly wrong. (But if it goes totally right, you should probably buy her a drink). Consider Dating Your Friends

• CONSIDER DATING YOUR FRIENDS The term "friend zone" should totally be banished—in part, because your friends can sometimes make the best dates. Think about it: Someone you're already friends with is likely to have similar values, to know your background and your family, and to make you feel ultra comfortable with them. Plus, friendship is the foundation for any relationship, so having that bond established can be key, says relationship expert Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.

• CHOOSE THE RIGHT DATING SITE The Internet is a beautiful thing: It brought us Twitter, cat videos, Orange Is the New Black, and now, it can bring you love. But when you're ready to make the plunge into online dating, how do you decide which site to sign up for? We found a handy cheat sheet from digital matchmaker Julie Spira, who gave us the lowdown on 12 popular dating sites. Think about what it is you want out of an online dating experience—A hookup? A boyfriend? A marriage?—then choose the site that matches your interests, so you're not just wasting your time online (that's what the cat videos are for).

• FOCUS ON FIRST IMPRESSIONS First dates can be overwhelming, so streamline your focus into making the first few moments count. It takes only 12 minutes for you to decide if you're interested in the other person (and for them to decide if they dig you) so bring your A-game the second you arrive. To make a stellar first impression, make eye contact, smile, and focus on what he's saying, according to Susan RoAne, author of How to Work a Room: The Ultimate Guide to Making Lasting Connections—In Person and Online. And don’t forget to check in with yourself, too! You might be so focused on making a flawless first impression that you forget to ask yourself if you’re even into the other person.

• DON'T PLAY IT COOL ON A DATE We've all been told that guys love the chase, but according to research, that's not exactly true. One study showed that men are more attracted to responsive women, and women who were kind and warm right off the bat. That doesn't mean being over-the-top eager—you don't have to laugh at his jokes if they're not funny—but it's definitely OK to respond to that text in a timely manner, or tell him how much fun you're having. Being kind is definitely a turn on, so forget what you’ve been told about playing it ice-cold.

• AVOID OVERSHARING Word-vomit happens, but one way to tank a first date is to admit how long you spent Google stalking him or accidentally blurt out, "Woah, you look exactly like my ex!" The censorship walls can come down after a little bit, but try to steer clear of these awkward comments on a first date, or we're guessing there won't be a second one.

• PAY ATTENTION TO HOW YOU TALK TO EACH OTHER It's more than just what you're saying—it's how you say it. One study showed that when men talk to a woman they find attractive, they tend to vary their vocal pitch from high to low tones (in a sing-songy way). If you're looking to analyze the long-term potential, pay attention to the types of words you both use. Another study suggested that people who use the same function words (maybe you both say "quite" and "tons" a lot) are more likely to couple up and stay together.

• PAY ATTENTION TO HOW YOU TALK TO EACH OTHER It's more than just what you're saying—it's how you say it. One study showed that when men talk to a woman they find attractive, they tend to vary their vocal pitch from high to low tones (in a sing-songy way). If you're looking to analyze the long-term potential, pay attention to the types of words you both use. Another study suggested that people who use the same function words (maybe you both say "quite" and "tons" a lot) are more likely to couple up and stay together.

• DON'T LET YOUR FRIENDS RUIN YOUR VIBE Getting your friends' (and family's) opinion on your new beau is essential, but if you ask too soon, it could color your own feelings. One study showed that when opinions were framed differently—saying that "seven out of ten" people liked your date, versus "three out of ten" people didn't like him—it can seriously affect our own evaluation. So you might want to avoid asking for an outside opinion until you've gotten the chance to make one yourself.

• IF YOU'RE NOT INTO HIM, MOVE ON Dating someone who you're just not into is a total waste of time. Be realistic with yourself: Are you embarrassed to call him your "boyfriend"? Has he met your friends? Would you rather be watching Netflix than talking to him? Are you only with him for fear of being single? These are all good signs that you're just not that into him, and you should peace out of this relationship. Trust us, being single is way better than being in a crappy relationship.

• IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED? TRY, TRY AGAIN We heard about a woman who committed to going on 100 dates this summer as a way of learning more about herself, and what she wants in a partner. While we don't think you necessarily need to do a dating marathon, it's often important to just get out there—especially if you feel like you’re in a rut. So when your date goes awry, or that relationship turns out to be a dud, don't give up. Your next amazing date might be right around the corner.

Dating can be a tricky business. What should you wear? Where should you meet? How much should you say? Who should pay? How soon after your date should you call? There are endless questions that can spin around your head before, during and after a date, which is why we’ve compiled a list of some top dating tips for men, to help make sure your date is a success.

1. First impressions are always important

Your ripped jeans may be lucky, but remember, this will be the first impression your date gets of you. Yes, you should never pretend to be someone that you’re not, but a girl might like to see that you take pride in your appearance. Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you need to wear a full tuxedo, but having a shower, shave, using aftershave and putting on something suitable will help you impress your date and get you off to a good start. Now all you have to worry about is turning up on time.

2. Make date plans for somewhere you’ll feel comfortable

You might think that you’re being a gentleman by letting your date decide where you go on your date, but women often like to see that you can take control. Plus, as dating can be a daunting experience, help cut through those nerves by arranging to meet up in familiar territory. This will help make you feel more comfortable. Although, maybe avoid your normal Saturday night pub, as bumping into your mates could be a little distracting on your date.

3. Be confident

Women value confidence highly when it comes to choosing a guy. If you’re a little shy, practice beforehand by talking to people you don’t know. Or, whilst on the date, pick a subject that you’re enthusiastic about, such as a hobby. She will sense your confidence as you talk passionately about it. Many people may also be shy about their appearance. You may not be 6ft tall with a 6-pack, but it’s more attractive to a woman to show that you’re comfortable in your own skin and happy being you.

4. Don’t do all the talking

On your date, make sure you don’t do all the talking. Try to keep what you have to say short and concise. You don’t want to start boring your date. If this date goes well, there will be lots more opportunities to share your stories in the future. Don’t be scared of pauses and help mix up the conversation by asking your date questions. Listening is important, as it shows that you are interested in what she has to say.

5. Keep the conversation fun

Try to keep your conversation light-hearted. On your first date, you don’t want to get into an in-depth conversation about why you don’t enjoy your job, or other issues you’ve been having. Women want a guy who can make them laugh. Yes you do have to be serious sometimes, but in the early stages of dating, have some fun.

6. Avoid the ‘ex’ conversation

Talking about your ex is dangerous territory. It’s best to stay away from the conversation altogether. Your date will not be interested and it can make things feel awkward between you. If your date does bring up the subject, try to keep answers short (without appearing suspicious). Reassure her that your past is history and that you want to spend your time getting to know her instead.

7. Turn off your phone

There’s nothing more annoying than phones ringing whilst trying to spend quality time out with friends, and it’s just as irritating on a date. Don’t just put it on silent or vibrate, as you can still become distracted. Turn your phone off completely. If she knows that you’ve turned your phone off to focus entirely on the date, she’ll appreciate you’re taking the time to engage with her fully.

8. Offer to pay

Things have shifted and most women will assume that they are paying for their share of the bill. On your first date, insist on treating her (although don’t be forceful). This will make you look like a gentleman. But, if she still wants to pay, suggest she gets the bill on your next date, if she wishes.

9. Follow up correctly

If you don’t want a second date, don’t say you’ll call her. You’ll end up feeling bad and she might feel hurt. Just say, “I had a great time tonight”. If you do want to see her again, don’t play games. Yes, in films they always leave it a couple of days to contact each other, but this is 2016. If you don’t contact her within a couple of days, you’ll seem like you couldn’t be bothered, or didn’t enjoy the date. The sooner you tell her what a great time you had, the better.

10. Get feedback from a female friend

Dating is not something we learn at school, we simply have to jump in the deep end and see how it goes. But, if you’re looking to improve your dating skills, why not talk to a female friend. Discuss your last date, where you went, what you did and what you talked about. Everyone has different opinions, but it can help to give you some useful feedback on how to be better on your next date.

So, you have a date lined up and you’ve seen our top tips for dating. All that is left is to take a deep breath, relax and try to enjoy being yourself.

Whatever the equivalent of carpal tunnel syndrome is for thumbs, sometimes the repetitiveness of swiping the same pool of people on apps like Tinder can hurt. "Are there other life forms out there?" you may wonder. And the answer is yes, they've just downloaded a different app. Whether you're a canine lover or a wannabe astrologer, there's room to roam free on these eight new apps, ahead.

Most guys just don’t get it…

They’re baffled when they act sensitive, polite and nice when they first meet a woman, then get slam-dunked into her “friend zone” — that no-man’s land where women tell you their problems and cry on your shoulder but won’t even consider dating you.

If you’re a guy who usually ends up in the friend zone, then here’s a wake-up call: your sensitive, polite, innocent behavior does absolutely nothing to create feelings of can’t-keep-her-hands-off-you attraction in a woman.

Creating that feeling requires behaving in totally different way. This in mind, here come three sure-fire ways to escape the friend zone for good…

1. Stop Making Excuses.
When you first meet a woman, don’t make excuses or hide the reason that you’re approaching her in the first place. In other words, your “stories” about wanting to borrow her phone, see what she’s reading or help her carry her bags? Guess what…they all increase your chances of having her think of you as “just a friend” right from the start.

On the other hand, if you want to ignite feelings of attraction in a woman, then you need to come across as potential “date” material right out of the gate. You accomplish this by being direct with her… preferably in a funny way (for example, turn the tables by telling her, “I get so tired of women wanting to get physical with me. You look like you’d just like to be friends, so let’s grab some tea.”).

Do it, and you make her feel intrigued, captivated, and interested instantly…instead of just making her imagine how nice it will be to have you as a friend to help with her phone and carry her bags.

2. Show Her You Have A Life.
Most guys come off sounding a bit shy and needy when they first approach a woman. It’s only natural and extremely common — but it also commonly triggers a natural response inside a woman that says, “Awww, he’s so cute. He’d make a great friend.”

This is why it’s critical to show a woman right away that, even if you’re the shy type, that you have a life. That you’d love to have some fun with her and see where it goes, but if she’s not into it, then it’s no big deal. You have a life, and you’ll just move on (as opposed to hanging around as a “friend” waiting for her). The best way to accomplish this is by not “asking” a woman out at at all. Instead, let her know you have plans and that she can join you if she’d like.

And by the way — make sure that you don’t talk yourself into rejection by “going for it all.” Don’t go on and on about where you’ll take a woman on an amazing date, and how much mind-blowing fun she’s guaranteed to have with you. All of this just creates awkwardness, pressure, and resistance…so don’t do it.

3: Don’t Wait too long to “Make Your Move.”
The biggest reason that a guy gets banished to the friend zone is that he waits too long to make his move with a woman. This means delaying “getting physical” with her, plain and simple. When a man does this, he sends two fatal signals: That he’s not confident, which is the ultimate attraction killer. Or that he’s just not interested in taking things any further.

In a nutshell…you know you’re interested in “that” way, but a woman has no clue until you show her. So early on, guide her with a light hand on her back. Take her by the hand when you cross the street. Throw caution to the wind and go in for that kiss. The worst that can happen is that she pulls back. And then, at least, you know where you really stand and can react accordingly (by either investing more time in her or just moving on).

Either way, here’s what it all of this boils down to: most guys know that once a  woman slam-dunks you into the friend category, it’s almost impossible to escape. From then on, they see you as a buddy, a confidante, a shoulder to cry on, also known as the guy she talks to about dating problems with guys that she’s actually ATTRACTED to.

So make no excuses when you approach a woman. Show her that you have a life…don’t wait to make your move …and YOU will become the guy who gets the date (instead of her thanks for being such a great friend).

Let us save you some time, energy and heartache. You can thank us later.

When I started seeing my husband, aka the first guy I wasn't embarrassed to tell my therapist about, I was gobsmacked to realize how much I hadn't known about dating before then.

In fact, I'd been going about being single all wrong. I didn't have very much fun at it, which is depressing since I didn't pair up until my 30s.

Besides, so much luck was involved in my finding my match that there are probably more alternate universes where I'm still living solo than where I'm married.

I realize that my past experiences have made me who I am today, but I still wish I could go back in time and have a sisterly chat with poor, clueless, "younger me."

I could've written three novels, started a business and hiked the Appalachian Trail with all the wasted time and energy. It's too late for me, but maybe you can learn from what I wish I knew then.

1. Finding a romantic partner is only one of many goals you can have at once. There's a difference between making something a priority and having an obsession. No one wants to be the Captain Ahab of the dating world.

2. When you like a guy, and your mutual friends have multiple anecdotes about him projectile vomiting after excessive drinking, you need to rethink the infatuation. You didn't like it when your godson hurled on you, and he was a toddler. 

3. It's not about getting someone to think you're good enough for them. It’s about finding someone you can stand to spend a ridiculous amount of time with. It's about finding the puzzle piece you fit with and the Ernie to your Bert.

4. Work on your gaydar. It'll make your life much easier.

5. Sometimes boyfriends have little annoying habits. And sometimes they have small behaviors that indicate a complete lack of respect. If you wouldn't let your friend's sweetie talk to her that way, don't put up with it yourself. 

6. If you're bored out of your mind at the local bar on Saturday night, you're probably not going to meet anyone there who's going to liven up your evening. Instead of downing an extra cocktail to numb the ennui, think of somewhere else to go next weekend that you might actually enjoy. If your friends don't want to join you, go anyway.

7. Stop worrying about potential paramours rejecting you for being too fat, too short, too whatever. It's entirely possible that you would've had to reject them for never having seen Star Wars (your essential piece of pop culture may vary) anyway. People who simply are "not the right fit" exist. The sooner you weed them out of your life, the happier you'll be.

8. Go to movies by yourself. The same goes for museums, parks and concerts. When you're part of a couple, you miss being free to follow your every whim. Being unattached means not having to compromise on your plans.

9. A first date is not an audition for marriage. It's just a tryout for a second date. No one ever fell in love while analyzing every detail of their momentous first meeting. 

10. If a man says that he's too damaged for you (or too neurotic, or too anything), just take his word for it. Even if it is his low self-esteem talking, you're not going to be able to fix him. And it's probably just a euphemism for "I'm just not feeling it."